give her wings to fly in harmony and she won't bother you no more I think my brain has been knocked a couple more notches towards crazy. Maybe it was the brownie incident. Or maybe it is my insomnia, which I am finding very incompatable with parenthood. It is bad enough that you have trouble sleeping, but when you have a baby that wakes you up at least every two hours when you do fall into a fitful doze, it is a definite recipe for delusion. Perhaps we should mention another ingredient: I've been hanging out with my family for the last week or so. First we were at my rich-capitalist-Werehouser-executive-corporate-lawyer-monster uncle's beach cabin, which he lets family members use free of charge, perhaps in an effort to stave off eternal damnation. It was great hanging out with my parents, very beautiful and relaxing at the beach, until my grandfather showed up. He is a retired politician and lawyer, so he gets a kick out of talking in a loud voice and saying "you're all right, kid". Also, he says that the baby is going to be an alcoholic, because he was. He has been sober for 45 years and still goes to those goddamn AA meetings, so he can talk in a loud voice and say "you're all right, kid" to a bunch of greasy coffee-swilling losers.* Well, I got news for ya, pops: if she feels the need to take drugs, I'll lead her on the path to better ones than alcohol. So we got back from the beach only to discover that temperatures were forecasted to be in the mid 100's. Okay, we live in a little box of a duplex without air conditioning, so it gets at least 10 degrees hotter in here than outside. So I threw the still-packed bags into the car and headed to my parents' house (they have air conditioning! They installed it the year I moved out), a 3 1/2 hour drive, and by the time I was halfway there the baby was having a total nervous breakdown from the heat, and she was pushing me in that direction, and I was facing 2 more hours over a lonely mountain pass and through the desert of the Yakama res, with no hope of escape to air conditioning. So I got a hotel and made the room seriously cold, huddled under blankets with the baby and watched cable T.V. The next day I completed the journey to my parents', where I spent one entirely sleepless night, then drove back here the next evening. So now you know. I made it back here safe and sound, even though I was having some seriously scary premonitions that I was going to die. So I guess I'm just going crazy and not just psychic? Or maybe I just watched too much cable T.V. Also, I've been having dreams. In one, I started having a brownie flashback, started ranting prophetically and seeing ghosts of past lives, here to warn me of impending doom. Then my friend gave me a home insanity test and I got a positive. *I spent quite a bit of time in NA (Narcotics Anonymous), both court ordered and of my own free will, so I speak from experience. I have to say that this route to "recovery" is not for me. Let me tell you, it was hard to quit, and I take credit where credit is due, I do not give credit to any freaking higher power. I also do not feel the need to go to meetings every week for the rest of my life and ramble on tonelessly to a bunch of rabid, hairy junkies. I have moved on, drugs do not run my life anymore, I don't want to think about it all the time. Call me crazy. |