Don't be a criminal in this police state, gotta shop and eat and procreate
11:17 a.m. on 2005-08-07
well, I'm either pregnant or I'm not. It's all black and white with me, I guess.
I've been preggers a good many fucking times, and every time, well, almost every time, I've had moments, before a test would come up positive, when I would feel that there was life in my womb, like some trippy, new-age vision of a spark of life force kindling or some such shit. I haven't had that yet, this time. But it is something that happens when I'm not necessarily thinking about it. Besides, the little bugger might not even have implanted yet.
My 6th pregnancy (yes, my FUCKING SIXTH, you heard me) I felt that spark, and then one morning, about a week and a half after I had a positive test, I woke up and had a jolt, and the strange thought passed through my head that I'd forgotten about my baby and so it had gone away, and I had a feeling of loss. Not a rational, intellectual thought. But I started bleeding later that day. My baby had gone.
It does seem rational, in a way, that a woman would be able to tell that she had created new life, almost from the moment it happens. There is a definite new energy that enters your body, when you are preggers.
I'm realizing how defensive I am about my procreating habits. I have some definite issues in that respect. Maybe I should sort these out. Or try.
I have been pregnant seven times. I have one living child.
The first time I was pregnant, I was fourteen. I was raped by a guy that was living with me and my parents. This is an issue all unto itself. I had an abortion.
The second time was with my ex-husband, before we were married. I was on birth control pills. Surprise! I was 17 and a freshman in college, actually just taking my finals my freshman year. My ex took off with another girl (yes, I ended up marrying this guy later. This is another issue all unto itself). I had an abortion this time, too.
The third time, ex-husband again. Condom broke, and I took those morning after pills, but, no dice. I was a complete junkie at that point, and I had also had some serious X-rays, an upper GI, before I knew I was pregnant. I had another abortion.
The fourth time, I was just out of prison. I don't know how this happened. I had protected sex with my current husband once, right after I had my period. The condom must have been leaky, I must have ovulated way early. I was going to keep this one, but my mom talked me into having another abortion. I'm sorta glad I listened to her, but I was really upset with myself at the time.
Four abortions. FUCK YOU RELIGIOUS RIGHT, and all other consciencious people. I feel bad enough without your tut-tutting, head-shaking, and to-hell-damning.
My fifth pregnancy, I got preggers on my honeymoon, with current hubby. That little girl had a heart defect and didn't make it.
Then, the miscarriage, then Juniper. Seven fucking pregnancies. Good god.
So I've had four unwanted babies, and three wanted ones. One more that I want, and it will all balance. Do I believe in that sort of mumbo-jumbo? I do in the same part of my brain that knows I'm pregnant before a test comes up positive. I guess that's why I'm trying to get pregnant, even though my rational mind balks at the idea.
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