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10:51 a.m. on 2005-10-20
I'm freaking out about having to go back to work. But I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm always freaked out, except when I'm on drugs or currently composing some form of artistic rubbish. The latter could be interpreted as some form of freaking out. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing for all parties involved, going back to work. So I guess I won't discuss it with myself anymore. We finally got some drum tracks down on some of The Mumbletones' songs. I love saying that name. I'm so glad we have a name now. Our (current working) drummer is actually a friend of ours from high school, who was in Brian's high school band (not the trumpets and half-time marching-around-in-uniform kind, the smoking pot on stage kind) who recently moved back to take over his dad's music store. He's a good drummer, has some personality issues that seem to have somewhat resolved since high school. I wish I could say the same for my own. But he's an excellent drummer, can follow Brian's eccentric time signatures as well as make up interesting stuff to my more plodding, chord-and melody-driven stuff. Yeah. I think that I need to stop listening to stuff like The Decemberists and The Flaming Lips any time that I am actively composing music. That shit gets stuck in my head like bubble gum and I can't think. It's sort of like reading Roberston Davies while trying to write- the style sticks in my head and gets regurgitated. So I just listen to Bach and read Harry Potter over and over and over again. Those guys- their content is great, but stylistically, no sticky hook. I haven't written on my novel in quite a while, although i think about it a lot. I've got it all planned out and it keeps getting more elaborate. The ending especially is awesome, and I'm totally in love with one of my characters. This doesn't speak well for my actual material life, but I've always been long on imagination and short on life skills. I'm really depressed again today. Should I just give in and, once I have insurance, go get on the state-sponsored brainwashing dope? Some people just can' t cope without drugs, actual human feeling makes their molecules rend themselves one from the others, you can watch them disintegrate under the weight of their own reality. I'm pretty much one of those types of pathetic losers. But I can still function, meaning, I can get to work most days and I don't beat my kid. But fuck, some days I just want to fill my arm with some delicious heroin. Herion itself isn't so bad, it's all the other shit that goes along with it that sucks. If they would just make Zoloft feel as good as real dope, I would be there in the doctor's office, begging on my knees.
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