Drugs we all missed out on Ooh look! It even documents the horrible time of the morning that I am awake, bathed in the putrid glow of my computer screen. So I sign up for this thing and then "they" try to sell me the Gold Package, whereby I can eventually get this diary advertised in my region. What would be the advertisment for this thing, I wonder. "Come peek into the private life of a legal secretary. She types 90 words per minute! Spelling errors galore!" Or "Pry into the thoughts of a woman who once had the song from a laxative commercial running through her head for three days straight!" But with the Gold Package, I could also upload amazing photos to illustrate my diary. Maybe I could upload one of my cat humping his favorite pillow. That would be sure to draw a crowd. I will pretend that people will be reading this anyway. Hello adoring public! How are you! Of course, since I picked such a silly user name, some farmer in Iowa will probably hit on this page while trying to find a buyer for his corn or some such thing. Hello farmer! I love corn. So I am really, really quite pregnant with my first actual child and so, you know, facing this reality, well, it is just kinda heavy. Within days or a few weeks I'll have to get this big, squirmy being out of my body and then I'll have to take care of her and amuse her and teach her good values (good values being to me "Disneyland is bad" and "Don't marry any man who reminds you of Ronald McDonald"). Basically, my life is going to change quite a bit and so I've just been thinking about all the things I have done so far and how things would have been different if I had, you know, done different stuff. Like today in the car my husband and I were listening to an old Butthole Surfers album and I was thinking of the time I was like 12 and hanging out with a friend in a record store in Fresno, California (note to adoring public, and future value to teach baby: do not move to Fresno, California) and anyway I saw a Butthole Surfers album and thought "ha ha, butthole, ha ha" and I almost bought it. At the time I listened to really pretty ludicrous stuff like Winger and Poison. I hadn't taken much acid quite yet but I probably would have liked the Butthole Surfers anyway. And I was thinking, that could have changed my whole life from that point on. Goodbye, glam rock, hello weird, twisted world of rocking musical strangeness. I would have been a pioneer among my friends! I would have been the coolest loser outcast before my time! It could have given me the self-confidence that I still severely lack. Later on, I would have had the gumption to say "fuck you" to the asshole foster child-type-guy living with us and all of his brain manipuulations. I wouldn't have let him talk me out of spending a year in Austraila or Spain as an exchange student my Sophomore year in highschool. I wouldn't have let him beat me up and stuff. Asshole. So in this dreamland bought-the-Butthole-Surfers-album life that I have created for myself, what would I be doing right now? Probably sleeping. I would have followed my later dream to study chemistry in college and start my own drug lab. I would have touched the lives of millions, and I would be sleeping right now because I would have invented the most wonderful, non-addictive, euphoric, slightly hallicinogenic, opium-like sedative ever known to man. You missed out, world. Sorry, adoring public. So another value to teach my impending child: always buy the album by the band with the funny name. |